Blond Jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

آموزش زبان ترکی در 3 ثانیه

1- هرگاه حرف ب ساکن قبل از ر بیاید جای آنها عوض می شود:مثال: کبریت <-- کربیت تبریز <-- تربیز

2- حرف گ در اول کلمه ق و در سایر موقعیتها ج ادا میشود:

مثال: گازوئیل <-- قازوئیل تگرگ <-- تجرج کامپیوتر <-- قامپیوتیر

3- گاه حرف ه در آخر کلمه به ی و در برخی انواع گویش به صدای او تبدیل میشود:

مثال:
گوجه فرنگی <-- قوجی فرنجی (یا همان گیرمیز بادمجان)
ماهی تابه <-- مایتابو

4- صدای ق به صدای گ و حرف گ در اول کلمه با صدای ق ادا می شود. در برخی موارد ق حذف میشود:

مثال:
قند <-- گند
گلابی <-- قلابی
آقای رئیس <-- آی رئیس

5- گاه حرف ی بعد از حرف با صدای کسره با صدای و تلفظ میشود:

مدیر<-- مدور

6- بعد از حروفی که در کلمه با صدای کسره ادا میشوند یک ی اضافه میشود:
مثال:

مثال <-- میثال
ابتدا <-- ایبتیدا
چراغ <-- چیراگ

3- حرف ک هیچگاه با صدای ک ادا نشده و بسته به موقعیت حرف در کلمه، موقعیت کلمه در جمله، نوع وضع عصبی گوینده، محل تولد گوینده، وضع آب و هوا و ... با صدای ش خ چ ق ادا شده و گاه اصلا ادا نمی شود:

مثال: من به تک تک سوالات شما پاسخ خواهم داد <-- من بی تشتچ سوالات شما پاسخ خواهم داد.
مرتیکه کثافت درست رانندگی کن <-- مرتیچه چثافت درست رانندجی قن
سلام آقای دکتر <-- سلام آی دتر
زبان بیسیک <-- زبان بیسیخ
چکار می کنی؟ <-- چخار موقونو ؟

4- معمولا افعال در حالت اول شخص به صورت دوم شخص بیان میشوند.
من با شما نبودم <-- من به شما نبودی !

5- ضمیر ملکی متصل دوم شخص به صورت سوم شخص بیان میشود:

حالت خوبه ؟ <-- حالش خوبی ؟

روز مرد مبارک باد

Bob

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself a bit too hard so for his birthday, she decides to take him to the local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hi, Bob! Howya doin?” His wife is a little puzzled and asks if he's been to the club before.

“Oh no,” says Bob. “He's in my bowling league.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife, becoming increasingly uncomfortable, says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” Bob replies “Oh, I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine holes honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobby.” “Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else - but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter-word under the sun.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked a real bitch this time.”

Bob's funeral will be on Friday!

Quit

I mean seriously, where's the incentive to quit here ?

You got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


" You got Male!"

درد

لره واسه اولين بار يه اخوند مي بينه بهش ميگه يعني اینقدر سرت درد مي کنه؟

می گوزیم

لره به ترکه می گه بیا بریم نماز جمعه بخونیم نفری ۱۰۰۰۰تومن میدن ! ترکه می گه اگه ندادن چی ؟

لره می گه خوب می گوزیم باطل می شه

خطبه ي عقد رشتيا

النکاح السنتي ، و بعدش خوش به حال امتي ، فقط لطفا نوبتي ، اووووي اصغر نزن جلو غربتي

EMERGENCY ROOM - ALABAMA MEDICAL CENTRE

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat and uniform,
this guy ain't gonna make it!

A woman who finally gets it

وزير جوانان در ايران و ايتاليا

خانم مارا كارفانيا وزير جوانان در كابينه برلوسكوني در ايتاليا

حجت الاسلام حاج علي اكبري معاون رياست جمهور و رئيس شوراي عالي جوانان ايران

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Your House

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?'

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, 'Your house.'

AWARD WINNING Indian PHOTO OF THE YEAR

She has great care & feeling for this little deer. When the baby deer is hungry she will feed it with her breast milk. This deer does not have mum to take care & feed her.

زمانی که بچه بودیم دنيا چقدر زيبا بود. چقدر همه چی رنگ و بوی اميد داشت و همه چی سرشار از اميد و عشق به آينده

عید زیبا بود و امید عیدی گرفتن
خرداد زیبا بود و امید سه ماه تعطیلی
پاییز زیبا بود و امید دیدن دوباره همکلاسیها
این سال دیگه میریم راهنمایی . دو سال دیگه میریم دبیرستان . یکسال دیگه دیپلم و
و مدام این جمله روی زبونمون بود . وقتی بزرگ شدم ... وقتی بزرگ شدم ..
با هر نوبرانه چشمها رو میببستیم و آروز میکردیم ... چقدر آرزو داشتیم.
دنیا دنیا امید
روزی که نوبرانه زردآلو بود و چشمها رو بستم و خواستم در دل آرزویی کنم و هیچ چیز از دل به زبان نیامد و فهمیدم بزرگ شدم
چشم رو باز کردم و نوبرانه زرد آلو در دستم و من بی آرزو. چقدر بزرگ شدن درد آور بود
بزرگ شدیم و هیچ نشد
حالا از مهر تا خرداد هر روز مثل دیروز و از خرداد تا مهر امروز مثل دیروز .هر سال که گذشت هیجان ها کم تر و کم تر شد . سالها تکراری تر
کار و کار و کار برای هیچ
آرزو ها حسرت شد و ماند، بیم‌هایی که داشتیم که روزمرگی رو دچار نشیم شد زندگی، و فهمیدیم که زندگی چیزی نیست جز همانی که بزرگترها داشتن و ما می‌ترسیدیم از دچار شدن بهش
آخرین بزنگاه بود بزرگ شدن.
دیگه می‌تونستیم از خیابان ها رد بشیم.
ردشدیم بارها و بارها و بی پناه
خوشا روزهایی که نمی‌توانستیم و دست‌ها‌یم را به دست بزرگ و نرم پدرمی‌دادیم و طعم تکیه گاه را می‌چشیدیم
بزرگ شدیم و همه شبها به تنهایی گذشت و خوشا شبهایی که بهانه مریضی و ترس به تختخواب بزرگ و نرم پدر و مادر می‌لغزیدیم و خوش می‌خوابیدیم ...
بزرگ شدیم و دستها به جیب رفت و روبروی دستگاه بی‌حس و سرد عابر بانک پول می‌گیرم،
و چه کیفی داشت ده تومانی و پنجاه تومانی هایی که از دست پدر می‌گرفتیم با لبخند.
دیگه نه امیدی به سال دیگه. نه به خرداد ونه به مهر.
تا بچه هستيم بزرگ شدن چه اميد شيرينی است و بزرگ که می‌شویم بچگی حسرتی بزرگ.