Blond and the beer

A drunk is sitting in a bar.

There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning. 'Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because he has.............



A LICKER LICENSE !

China to the rescue

زمانی که بچه بودیم دنيا چقدر زيبا بود

عید زیبا بود و امید عیدی گرفتن
خرداد زیبا بود و امید سه ماه تعطیلی
پاییز زیبا بود و امید دیدن دوباره همکلاسیها
این سال دیگه میریم راهنمایی . دو سال دیگه میریم دبیرستان . یکسال دیگه دیپلم و
و مدام این جمله روی زبونمون بود . وقتی بزرگ شدم ... وقتی بزرگ شدم ..
با هر نوبرانه چشمها رو میببستیم و آروز میکردیم ... چقدر آرزو داشتیم.
دنیا دنیا امید
روزی که نوبرانه زردآلو بود و چشمها رو بستم و خواستم در دل آرزویی کنم و هیچ چیز از دل به زبان نیامد و فهمیدم بزرگ شدم
چشم رو باز کردم و نوبرانه زرد آلو در دستم و من بی آرزو. چقدر بزرگ شدن درد آور بود
بزرگ شدیم و هیچ نشد
حالا از مهر تا خرداد هر روز مثل دیروز و از خرداد تا مهر امروز مثل دیروز .هر سال که گذشت هیجان ها کم تر و کم تر شد . سالها تکراری تر
کار و کار و کار برای هیچ
آرزو ها حسرت شد و ماند، بیم‌هایی که داشتیم که روزمرگی رو دچار نشیم شد زندگی، و فهمیدیم که زندگی چیزی نیست جز همانی که بزرگترها داشتن و ما می‌ترسیدیم از دچار شدن بهش
آخرین بزنگاه بود بزرگ شدن.
دیگه می‌تونستیم از خیابان ها رد بشیم.
ردشدیم بارها و بارها و بی پناه
خوشا روزهایی که نمی‌توانستیم و دست‌ها‌یم را به دست بزرگ و نرم پدرمی‌دادیم و طعم تکیه گاه را می‌چشیدیم
بزرگ شدیم و همه شبها به تنهایی گذشت و خوشا شبهایی که بهانه مریضی و ترس به تختخواب بزرگ و نرم پدر و مادر می‌لغزیدیم و خوش می‌خوابیدیم ...
بزرگ شدیم و دستها به جیب رفت و روبروی دستگاه بی‌حس و سرد عابر بانک پول می‌گیرم،
و چه کیفی داشت ده تومانی و پنجاه تومانی هایی که از دست پدر می‌گرفتیم با لبخند.
دیگه نه امیدی به سال دیگه. نه به خرداد ونه به مهر.
تا بچه هستيم بزرگ شدن چه اميد شيرينی است و بزرگ که می‌شویم بچگی حسرتی بزرگ.

Never let the groom order the wedding cake...

S S Lam

No matter who you are, your wife will always give you sh!t for looking at other women

Don't drive that fishing boat too fast

This is an actual emergency room photo of a fisherman who lost control ofhis High Speed Bass Boat inWest Virginia.

The warden's believe that he was traveling at a speed of approximately75 mph at the time of the accident.

He was unable to negotiate a curve in the narrow waterway and unfortunately for him, upon striking the shoreline, he was ejected from theboat and landed on an old fence post.

You can probably picture what happened next, but this photograph reallysays it all.

The good news is after about 6 months, thi s man made a full recovery aftersuffering a shattered hip, broken leg, several broken ribs, internal injuries and soft tissue damage.

The doctors credited his recovery to the fact thatthe post lodged itself so tightly that there was little or no blood loss.Now, that's got to hurt!

پیغام گیر

پیغام گیر فردوسی
نمی باشم امروز اندر سرای
که رسم ادب را بیارم به جای
به پیغامت ای دوست گویم جواب
چو فردا بر آید بلند آفتاب
پیغام گیر خیام
این چرخ فلک عمر مرا داد به باد
ممنون توام که کرده ای از من یاد
رفتم سر کوچه منزل کوزه فروش
آیم چو به خانه پاسخت خواهم داد
پیغام گیر منوچهری
از شرم به رنگ باده باشد رویم
در خانه نباشم که سلامی گویم
بگذاری اگر پیغام پاسخ دهمت
زان پیش که همچو برف گردد رویم
پیغام گیر مولانا
بهر سماع از خانه ام رفتم برون.. رقصان شوم
شوری برانگیزم به پا.. خندان شوم شادان شوم
برگو به من پیغام خود..هم نمره و هم نام خود
فردا تو را پاسخ دهم..جان تو را قربان شوم
پیغام گیر بابا طاهر
تلیفون کرده ای جانم فدایت
الهی مو به قوربون صدایت
چو از صحرا بیایم نازنینم
فرستم پاسخی از دل برایت
پیغام گیر حافظ
رفته ام بیرون من از کاشانه ی خود غم مخور
تا مگر بینم رخ جانانه ی خود غم مخور
بشنوی پاسخ ز حافظ گر که بگذاری پیام
زآن زمان کو باز گردم خانه ی خود غم مخور
پیغام گیر سعدی
از آوای دل انگیز تو مستم
نباشم خانه و شرمنده هستم
به پیغام تو خواهم گفت پاسخ
فلک را گر فرصتی دادی به دستم
پیغام گیر نیما
چون صداهایی که می آید
شباهنگام از جنگل
از شغالی دور
گر شنیدی بوق
بر زبان آر آن سخن هایی که خواهی بشنوم
در فضایی عاری از تزویر
ندایت چون انعکاس صبح آزا کوه
پاسخی گیرد ز من از دره های یوش
پیغام گیر شاملو
بر آبگینه ای از جیوه ء سکوت
سنگواره ای از دستان آدمیت
آتشی و چرخی که آفرید
تا کلید واژه ای از دور شنوا
در آن با من سخن بگو
که با همان جوابی گویم
تآنگاه که توانستن سرودی است
پیغام گیر سایه
ای صدا و سخن توست سرآغاز جهان
دل سپردن به پیامت چاره ساز انسان
گر مرا فرصت گفتی و شنودی باشد
به حقیقت با تو همراز شوم بی نیاز کتمان
پیغام گیر فروغ
نیستم.. نیستم..اما می آیم.. می آیم ..می آیم
با بوته ها که چیده ام از بیشه های آن سوی دیوار می آیم.. می آیم ..می آیم
و آستانه پر از عشق می شود
و من در آستانه به آنها که پیغام گذاشته اند
سلامی دوباره خواهم داد

A girl can change your goal

Three roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses Carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not To tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and That the first rose was from him:'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.'

Never piss off your Plastic Surgeon

BBQ Season

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat . I

mportant again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

Little things that spoil photos

Blond Jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

آموزش زبان ترکی در 3 ثانیه

1- هرگاه حرف ب ساکن قبل از ر بیاید جای آنها عوض می شود:مثال: کبریت <-- کربیت تبریز <-- تربیز

2- حرف گ در اول کلمه ق و در سایر موقعیتها ج ادا میشود:

مثال: گازوئیل <-- قازوئیل تگرگ <-- تجرج کامپیوتر <-- قامپیوتیر

3- گاه حرف ه در آخر کلمه به ی و در برخی انواع گویش به صدای او تبدیل میشود:

مثال:
گوجه فرنگی <-- قوجی فرنجی (یا همان گیرمیز بادمجان)
ماهی تابه <-- مایتابو

4- صدای ق به صدای گ و حرف گ در اول کلمه با صدای ق ادا می شود. در برخی موارد ق حذف میشود:

مثال:
قند <-- گند
گلابی <-- قلابی
آقای رئیس <-- آی رئیس

5- گاه حرف ی بعد از حرف با صدای کسره با صدای و تلفظ میشود:

مدیر<-- مدور

6- بعد از حروفی که در کلمه با صدای کسره ادا میشوند یک ی اضافه میشود:
مثال:

مثال <-- میثال
ابتدا <-- ایبتیدا
چراغ <-- چیراگ

3- حرف ک هیچگاه با صدای ک ادا نشده و بسته به موقعیت حرف در کلمه، موقعیت کلمه در جمله، نوع وضع عصبی گوینده، محل تولد گوینده، وضع آب و هوا و ... با صدای ش خ چ ق ادا شده و گاه اصلا ادا نمی شود:

مثال: من به تک تک سوالات شما پاسخ خواهم داد <-- من بی تشتچ سوالات شما پاسخ خواهم داد.
مرتیکه کثافت درست رانندگی کن <-- مرتیچه چثافت درست رانندجی قن
سلام آقای دکتر <-- سلام آی دتر
زبان بیسیک <-- زبان بیسیخ
چکار می کنی؟ <-- چخار موقونو ؟

4- معمولا افعال در حالت اول شخص به صورت دوم شخص بیان میشوند.
من با شما نبودم <-- من به شما نبودی !

5- ضمیر ملکی متصل دوم شخص به صورت سوم شخص بیان میشود:

حالت خوبه ؟ <-- حالش خوبی ؟

روز مرد مبارک باد

Bob

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself a bit too hard so for his birthday, she decides to take him to the local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hi, Bob! Howya doin?” His wife is a little puzzled and asks if he's been to the club before.

“Oh no,” says Bob. “He's in my bowling league.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife, becoming increasingly uncomfortable, says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” Bob replies “Oh, I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine holes honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobby.” “Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else - but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter-word under the sun.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked a real bitch this time.”

Bob's funeral will be on Friday!

Quit

I mean seriously, where's the incentive to quit here ?

You got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


" You got Male!"

درد

لره واسه اولين بار يه اخوند مي بينه بهش ميگه يعني اینقدر سرت درد مي کنه؟

می گوزیم

لره به ترکه می گه بیا بریم نماز جمعه بخونیم نفری ۱۰۰۰۰تومن میدن ! ترکه می گه اگه ندادن چی ؟

لره می گه خوب می گوزیم باطل می شه

خطبه ي عقد رشتيا

النکاح السنتي ، و بعدش خوش به حال امتي ، فقط لطفا نوبتي ، اووووي اصغر نزن جلو غربتي

EMERGENCY ROOM - ALABAMA MEDICAL CENTRE

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat and uniform,
this guy ain't gonna make it!

A woman who finally gets it

وزير جوانان در ايران و ايتاليا

خانم مارا كارفانيا وزير جوانان در كابينه برلوسكوني در ايتاليا

حجت الاسلام حاج علي اكبري معاون رياست جمهور و رئيس شوراي عالي جوانان ايران

No comment

Your House

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?'

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, 'Your house.'

AWARD WINNING Indian PHOTO OF THE YEAR

She has great care & feeling for this little deer. When the baby deer is hungry she will feed it with her breast milk. This deer does not have mum to take care & feed her.

زمانی که بچه بودیم دنيا چقدر زيبا بود. چقدر همه چی رنگ و بوی اميد داشت و همه چی سرشار از اميد و عشق به آينده

عید زیبا بود و امید عیدی گرفتن
خرداد زیبا بود و امید سه ماه تعطیلی
پاییز زیبا بود و امید دیدن دوباره همکلاسیها
این سال دیگه میریم راهنمایی . دو سال دیگه میریم دبیرستان . یکسال دیگه دیپلم و
و مدام این جمله روی زبونمون بود . وقتی بزرگ شدم ... وقتی بزرگ شدم ..
با هر نوبرانه چشمها رو میببستیم و آروز میکردیم ... چقدر آرزو داشتیم.
دنیا دنیا امید
روزی که نوبرانه زردآلو بود و چشمها رو بستم و خواستم در دل آرزویی کنم و هیچ چیز از دل به زبان نیامد و فهمیدم بزرگ شدم
چشم رو باز کردم و نوبرانه زرد آلو در دستم و من بی آرزو. چقدر بزرگ شدن درد آور بود
بزرگ شدیم و هیچ نشد
حالا از مهر تا خرداد هر روز مثل دیروز و از خرداد تا مهر امروز مثل دیروز .هر سال که گذشت هیجان ها کم تر و کم تر شد . سالها تکراری تر
کار و کار و کار برای هیچ
آرزو ها حسرت شد و ماند، بیم‌هایی که داشتیم که روزمرگی رو دچار نشیم شد زندگی، و فهمیدیم که زندگی چیزی نیست جز همانی که بزرگترها داشتن و ما می‌ترسیدیم از دچار شدن بهش
آخرین بزنگاه بود بزرگ شدن.
دیگه می‌تونستیم از خیابان ها رد بشیم.
ردشدیم بارها و بارها و بی پناه
خوشا روزهایی که نمی‌توانستیم و دست‌ها‌یم را به دست بزرگ و نرم پدرمی‌دادیم و طعم تکیه گاه را می‌چشیدیم
بزرگ شدیم و همه شبها به تنهایی گذشت و خوشا شبهایی که بهانه مریضی و ترس به تختخواب بزرگ و نرم پدر و مادر می‌لغزیدیم و خوش می‌خوابیدیم ...
بزرگ شدیم و دستها به جیب رفت و روبروی دستگاه بی‌حس و سرد عابر بانک پول می‌گیرم،
و چه کیفی داشت ده تومانی و پنجاه تومانی هایی که از دست پدر می‌گرفتیم با لبخند.
دیگه نه امیدی به سال دیگه. نه به خرداد ونه به مهر.
تا بچه هستيم بزرگ شدن چه اميد شيرينی است و بزرگ که می‌شویم بچگی حسرتی بزرگ.

Workout - 4

I dont know about you, but I AM EXHAUSTED!

Workout - 3

Workout - 2

Workout - 1

Family

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered:
'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Extra Sauce

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the
back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

one day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs and two without.

"Send extra sauce."

Before and After Marriage

Professional Mummy

Alabama Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a couple from Brewton , Alabama decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to steal one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Dr Dave

Dr Dave was having sex with one of his patientsand felt really guilty.

No matter how much he tried the sense of betrayal wasoverwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voicesay 'Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the 1st doctor to have sex with oneof your patients and you won't be the last and you are single, just let it go'.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering 'Daveyou're a vet!'

Easter

They've found Popeye's Mom...

Dog Philosophy