Workout - 4

I dont know about you, but I AM EXHAUSTED!

Workout - 3

Workout - 2

Workout - 1

Family

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered:
'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Extra Sauce

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the
back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

one day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs and two without.

"Send extra sauce."

Before and After Marriage

Professional Mummy

Alabama Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a couple from Brewton , Alabama decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to steal one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Dr Dave

Dr Dave was having sex with one of his patientsand felt really guilty.

No matter how much he tried the sense of betrayal wasoverwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voicesay 'Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the 1st doctor to have sex with oneof your patients and you won't be the last and you are single, just let it go'.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering 'Daveyou're a vet!'

Easter

They've found Popeye's Mom...

Dog Philosophy

Building or renovating?

First remote control ever invented

Death Penalty - Texan Style

Viva Fashion

Viva Fashion

Viva Fashion

خاک بر سر

می‌گويند زن‌ها در موفقيت و پيشرفت شوهرانشان نقش بسزايی دارند.
ساعد مراغه‌ای از نخست وزيران دوران پهلوی نقل کرده بود

:
زمانی که نايب کنسول شدم با خوشحالی پيش زنم آمدم و اين خبر داغ را به اطلاع سرکار خانم رساندم...
اما وی با بی‌اعتنايی تمام سری جنباند و گفت «خاک بر سرت کنند؛ فلانی کنسول است؛ تو نايب کنسولی؟!»
گذشت و چندی بعد کنسول شديم و رفتيم پيش خانم؛ آن هم با قيافه‌ايی حق به جانب...

باز خانم ما را تحويل نگرفت و گفت «خاک بر سرت کنند؛ فلانی معاون وزارت امور خارجه است و تو کنسولی؟!»
شديم معاون وزارت امور خارجه؛ که خانم باز گفت «خاک بر سرت؛ فلانی وزير امور خارجه است و تو...؟!»

شديم وزير امور خارجه گفت «فلانی نخست وزير است... خاک بر سرت کنند!!!»
القصه آنکه شديم نخست وزير و اين بار با گام‌های مطمئن به خانه رفتم و منتظر بودم که خانم حسابی يکه بخورد و به عذر خواهی بيفتد.

تا اين خبر را دادم به من نگاهی کرد؛ سری جنباند و آهی کشيد و گفت:
«خاک بر سر ملتی که تو نخست وزيرش باشی!!!»

Infestation

Vending Machine

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said: 'Your Honour. I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.’

The judge turns to the husband and says 'What do you have to say in your defence?’

The man sat for a while contemplating. then slowly rose.

'Your Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?’

Wow

Instill Drive and Passon

Peep

Fishing with Moses

Bono

Supermarket

God appears to a man and says ‘you’ll have to give up smoking, drinking and sex if you want to go to heaven’.

A week later God re-appears and asks him how it’s going.

The man says ‘the smokes and the drink were easy to give up, but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer, I couldn’t resist and had to give her one there and then’.

God says ‘They don’t like that sort of thing in heaven.’

The man replies ‘They don’t like it in Coles either’.

Sexism

Envy

Balls

One in four

Forget it

Close my eyes

Bangkok

Swearing at Work

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Thank You, The Manager!

Mujibar

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job."Mujibar said,

"I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center.No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have

How to tell if you're Taliban

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.

5. You can't think of anything you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

7. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

8. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

Oops

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